Confidence is Key

I have always been quite a shy, timid person. I was legitimately afraid of people, too worried about what they thought of me. Because of this, I never really went up to people and spoke to them, and this is still true to a certain extent. In addition to this, when I was at school and junior college, I was quite obese. This, in turn, added to my already low self-esteem and self-confidence. But I have come a long way, and I’m here to tell you why confidence is key.
I never thought that I would achieve the sort of self-confidence that I have today. It is not easy, and definitely takes a long, long, time to reach this stage. As I said, I have always struggled with confidence. In 2013, I reached my heaviest weight that I have ever been, had acne all over my face, back and arms, and stretch marks all over my torso. However, this wasn’t the most frustrating thing. The most frustrating thing was that I couldn’t do anything about it, because I simply didn’t have the time. I didn’t have time to visit the doctor (I have PCOD/PCOS), I didn’t have time to work out, in fact I didn’t even like to work out. I was so busy studying. And cravings were a whole different story. I used to eat extremely oily, unhealthy food that satisfied my hunger for mere hours before I would go to the kitchen and put my hand back into that wretched bag of potato wafers.

During this period, my mental health was also immensely affected. I used to cry myself to sleep very frequently, at least once a week, and I never even told anyone about it. I used to push the thoughts to the back of my mind, and concentrate on my studies since my board exams were coming up. The persona that I portrayed in school, that of a happy person, was just a facade. On the inside, I was completely broken. This was later diagnosed as depression. In addition to this, I never got to wear the clothes that I wanted because they were never available in my size. I was a XXL, sometimes even XXXL depending on the clothing, and the only clothes that I had were boring, dull clothes from the women’s section. I hated shopping and hated all my clothes. I used to walk past Zara and wished that I could fit into the beautiful clothes that they had. In fact, for my 15th birthday, I had liked this lovely orange dress with black embroidery, and I tried out the biggest size. I couldn’t even zip it up, I was that large. So I went home and cried about not having nice clothes, as usual.

Finally, in March 2014, I was done with my board exams and had the time to go to the doctor, who put me on several medicines and a strict diet. I also started working out, started playing badminton again, and began rebuilding my stamina. It was difficult, but I finally built a great self-control, when it came to eating junk food. I went from eating 8 pieces of chocolate a day to 1. I started enjoying workouts and I absolutely love working out now. Fast forward to September 2014, when I had lost about 8 kilos, something that I never imagined actually happened. I walked into Zara and bought clothes. It was unbelievable. It may sound silly to some people, but it was a huge deal for me. We don’t realise how much clothes could add to our confidence. For the first time, I liked my clothes. It was crazy.

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This continued, and till March 2015, I had managed to lose 10 kilos. But then I faced my first obstacle. The second round of board exams (12th) was in a year. And again, I had no time to work out and started eating junk again. And I regained all the weight that I had worked so hard to lose. This was a low blow, and because of it, I’m now terrified of gaining weight. I’m not sure how I would handle that, if it were to happen. I won’t let it happen, sure, but the thought still scares me.

So, in September 2016, I was obese again. I hadn’t done very well in the board exams, decided to change streams, which led to taking a gap year. But honestly, it was the best thing to happen. I began working out 5 days a week, started eating healthy again, and began studying French, which was something I had wanted to do for ages. However, I was still unhappy. So I decided to go to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. After this, I started going to therapy. It really, really helps.

All this time, I also started accepting myself a bit more. I went from hating my stretch marks, to just accepting the fact that I have them and it’s no big deal. There is nothing wrong with having stretch marks. And I don’t intend to do anything to get rid of them. They are a part of me, and that’s fine. Same with my acne scars. They’re just there, and that’s fine too. Being fit also helps. You feel better and stronger, which obviously adds to the confidence. Eating healthy and getting a sweat on works wonders for your skin, too. It takes a lot of effort, but trust me, it is so worth it. It is a part of self-love, and I can’t even explain how good it feels. You feel confident from within. You feel satisfied with your efforts, and really proud of yourself. I know I am. I have achieved something that I thought was unachievable. I went from XXL to a medium, for heaven’s sake. Who’d have thought?

Self-confidence has also led me to stop caring about what other people think, because it honestly doesn’t matter. People will think what they have to, you must just continue doing what you’re doing. I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t hear someone out, or not take their advice at all. You must put yourself first and think of what is best for you. But, of course, take advice sometimes. You don’t want to end up doing something stupid and hear “I told you so”, do you?

My advice to you is this – start making an effort to make your life better. It takes time, but the end result is amazing. Of course, you aren’t going to be happy all the time. There will be good days and bad days, and sometimes you’ll just want to have a good cry, so just do it. But don’t let that derail you from your main goal. IT IS WORTH IT.

So, stay healthy. Stay fit. Eat good food. Indulge every now and then. Wear what you want. Wear that red lipstick. Wear that crop top that you’ve always wanted to. Be yourself. Be confident about yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself.

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